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What jokes would The Canary allow Charlie Brooker to make about Jeremy Corbyn? Want to really shift the pounds in January? Get drinking water


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Journalist and TV presenter Charlie Brooker has come under intense scrutiny for mocking Jeremy Corbyn in his 2016 Wipe – the latest instalment of his annual dose of spiky mockery of the past year.
And by “intense scrutiny”, your mole is of course referring to that great organ of free expression, the nation’s last bastion of speaking truth to power, The Canary. Yes, those click-thirsty conspiracy mongers over on the alt left “news” site have written a DEVASTATING BLOG POST about what Brooker’s show should and shouldn’t have said about the Labour leader and other politicians.
The piece takes issue with an Ant and Dec pun Brooker makes in an aside about Corbyn being unable to recognise the presenting duo: “If you think that’s tough, try getting him to recognise Ant n’ Semitism.”
Your mole’s chuckles at this quip at the time could be heard in neighbouring burrows.
But The Canary was not amused. “The quip cements a fabricated smear campaign from media pundits, the pro-Israel lobby, Conservative MPs, and Blairites who all have a common enemy: Corbyn,” it moaned, before going on to complain that Brooker dared mention “ Traingate ” – that beautiful time in August when Corbyn sat on the floor of a train for a little bit and then Virgin produced some CCTV footage suggesting there were seats available.
This Twitter conversation between the writer of the cutting-edge investigation and Brooker is particularly revealing, with Brooker at long last admitting: “We originally planned a 25min pro-Corbyn musical number but our shadowy Blairite handlers insisted we scrap it.”
@wrightismight I don’t understand the question. What do you mean by “agenda”?
— Charlie Brooker (@charltonbrooker) January 3, 2017
@wrightismight We (that is, the show) have free reign. BBC never suggests or requests anything be specifically covered / ignored.
— Charlie Brooker (@charltonbrooker) January 3, 2017
@wrightismight We originally planned a 25min pro-Corbyn musical number but our shadowy Blairite handlers insisted we scrap it.
— Charlie Brooker (@charltonbrooker) January 3, 2017
The Canary argues Brooker should have made more jokes about Theresa May, although it does admit: “No one is asking political items to be ‘pro-Corbyn’.”
So, as some baffled commentators have been asking , what kind of digs would it accept at the Labour leader’s expense? Here are a few suggestions:
How many Jeremy Corbyns does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. Jeremy Corbyn inspires change from within.
What’s the difference between Jeremy Corbyn and Owen Smith?
Why did Jeremy Corbyn cross the road?
Because the trains had all been privatised.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
There was a coup against Jeremy Corbyn on the other side!
How do you tell the difference between Jesus and Jeremy Corbyn?
The MSM only crucified Christ once.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Jeremy who?
Is that the Blairite commentariat pre-September 2015 at the door?
Jeremy Corbyn walks into a bar. The barman asks: “Why the long history of campaigning against all forms of racism?”
What’s black, white and red all over?
Jeremy Corbyn’s favourite newspaper!
Doctor, doctor – I feel like Jeremy Corbyn!
So do I. It’s time for a real alternative to the neoliberal consensus.
An Englishman, a Welshman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. “What’ll it be?” asks the barman. “We all want the same thing,” they reply in unison. “A Labour leader who supports a wider discussion about devolution policy across the whole of the UK.”
“Jeremy Corbyns all round then!”
What do you call a man with two left feet?
Jeremy Corbyn when he’s kicking the establishment!
You’re welcome, Charlie.
If you’ve been struggling to come up with a suitable New Year resolution, may I suggest a determined plan to drink more? That might sound superficially attractive (depending on what kind of New Year you had) but I should make clear from the outset that it’s water, not alcohol, that I have in mind.
Ensuring adequate hydration has certain benefits, medically speaking. A good fluid throughput reduces the chance of urinary tract infection, and helps prevent attacks of gout and kidney stone formation in people prone to these conditions. If we’re short of water, the bowel will reabsorb every last drop from what doctors euphemistically term the “stool”, which can lead to constipation. And our kidneys function best when there is plenty of water around – they respond to dehydration by concentrating urine to conserve body water, but in doing so they can sustain damage through metabolic stress.
Aside from these medical aspects, there may be softer benefits. As the body starts to dehydrate, water within cells is drawn out into the circulation. The resultant cellular water loss can affect function in a variety of tissues. Athletes’ fluid balance has been the subject of extensive research, and even mild levels of dehydration measurably reduce physical performance. Studies of brain function have shown conflicting results, but overall it appears that mild to moderate dehydration impairs concentration and the ability to think through complex tasks. Headache is a common symptom of water depletion and, although it’s not a miracle cure, studies show that the severity and duration of headaches can be reduced by optimising hydration. So frequent swigs from a bottle of water may help ensure we’re in top condition to tackle our day.
Beyond this, water is a critical ally in the fight against the modern plague of obesity. Quenching our thirst with pretty much any other drink freights in energy along with the H2O, adding to our overall calorie load. There is also some suggestion that we readily confuse thirst for hunger. This might sound daft, but both sensations are mediated by the same region of the brain, and our highly adaptable brains rapidly forge associations between behaviours and the biological drives that they satisfy. All foodstuffs contain water, so it has always been possible to ease thirst by eating; but many of the fluids we consume nowadays are highly calorific, so we often sate our hunger by drinking. As a consequence of these crossed wires, we may be taking substantial excess energy into our bodies when all we’re after is some H2O.

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