If you want to celebrate the National Day of Patriotic Devotion officially proclaimed by Mad President Snapcase, you\u2019ll need a time machine: The proclamation applied to Friday, the day of Donald Trump\u2019s inauguration, but was only published in the Federal Register, making it official, on Monday. That\u2019s OK, if you joined us here at Wonkette for the inauguration livebloog, you probably observed the National Day of Patriotic Devotion with heavy day-drinking, the same as you celebrate every holiday. But let\u2019s take a close look at what we were all drunkenly celebrating, even if we didn\u2019t know it!
The proclamation was probably written by Steve Bannon and Stephen Miller, who also reputedly perpetrated Trump\u2019s \u201cself-written\u201d inaugural speech, because there\u2019s no way in the world Donald Trump would pull off sentences with even this level of complexity:
We especially like the line about how peace is impossible without prayer. Must explain why all those Scandinavian socialist countries that are full of atheists are constantly at war with each other, while the most religiously devoted spots in the Middle East and Africa are such oases of faith and peace. Or will be, once the unbelievers are put to the sword.
As the Atlantic points out, that stuff about American community doesn\u2019t sound like Trump, who usually focuses on himself and what he can do to make America great again, because he makes the best deals. All that patriotic devotion boilerplate sounds like pure Bannon jingoism, with the sacred values and heritage and purity of essence. Or you might prefer The Guardian\u2019s take, which compares the rhetoric to that of North Korea, and reminds us Trump really wanted tanks and missile launchers in his inaugural parade. Trump is the state and the state is Trump. You have a problem with that? Why do you hate America?
Now, if Trump had written the thing himself, it would have been dictated, and would sound like this:
America! It\u2019s the best, am I right? And what makes us the best? Our people! Except for the dishonest media. There\u2019s nobody more dishonest than our media. I can\u2019t believe the lies they get away with.
And freedom! I love freedom! America\u2019s the only place you can really be free. If you don\u2019t believe that, you can get the hell out.
Can you believe what a great Constitution we have? It\u2019s the best! I love the Constitution, big-league. Other countries wish they had a Constitution like ours, but ours is the best. I have a copy of it given to me by a great American, Mad Dog Mattis, the best general since Patton. Now George Patton, there was a guy who loved his country. But you know who doesn\u2019t love America? The failing New York Times. How they\u2019re even still in business I don\u2019t even know. It\u2019s because they lie, and a lot of people believe their lies. Not any more. On Day One, that ends.
And we\u2019re gonna build a beautiful wall to keep America for Americans. And Mexico\u2019s gonna pay for it. Don\u2019t get me wrong, I love the Mexican people, but they\u2019re killing us. We don\u2019t win anymore. With Trump, you\u2019re going to win again.
NOW, THEREFORE, I, DONALD J. TRUMP, I still love the sound of that, don\u2019t you? \u201cDonald J. Trump, President of the United States of America.\u201d They said we couldn\u2019t do it, but we showed them. [fifteen minute recap of Republican primary and election night redacted] Anyway, I proclaim this day, January 20, 2017, a National Day of Patriotic Devotion. Even for the Crooked media, but they better watch themselves.
And then we\u2019ll take their oil. We should have kept the oil.
[ Federal Register \/ Atlantic \/ Guardian ]<\/p>\n