Empathy over dismissive positivity.
The coronavirus won’t be going anywhere for a long time — and neither will our fears about it. Some states have begun to roll back plans to reopen their economies, and as infections increase, the United States is consistently setting daily records for confirmed cases.
There’s a lot to be scared of.
But when people share their fears with you, what do you say? It may feel as if you’re offering comfort with a comment meant to lift their spirits — “You’ve got this!” “I know you’ll be fine!” — but to those who are aching, these rah-rah sentiments can sound like you’re bulldozing over their pain, leaving little room for understanding or vulnerability.
Responding to someone’s expression of distress with an unhelpful, cheerful attitude is what the psychotherapist Whitney Goodman calls dismissive, or toxic, positivity.
An empathetic response reassures the other person that you’re seeing the situation from their side and sharing in their suffering. A dismissively positive response subtly shifts the burden of coping back onto the person who is expressing the negative emotion: If you tweaked your attitude, you’d feel better.
Dismissive positivity can take many forms:
At its root, dismissive positivity is a response from someone who feels uncomfortable in the situation aiming to make you feel better and quell your concerns, said Nicolle Osequeda, a psychotherapist. But it often “results in someone feeling unheard, frustrated, unsupported and alone.”
Just because you say, “You’ll be fine!” that doesn’t mean that’s actually going to happen.
“That’s not how the world works,” said Ayanna Abrams, a licensed clinical psychologist. “That’s not how our bodies work. That’s not how our brain works.”
Problems and fears around Covid-19 can be complex and having a more positive outlook isn’t always a suitable salve. So here’s what to say — and what not to say — when people express their fears and worries to you right now.
Don’t minimize the other person’s fears.
