It’s more than just a game, it’s an entire, unpredictable week. Here’s what to expect in Minneapolis.
The Patriots have won Super Bowls in New Orleans, Houston (twice), Jacksonville and Glendale, Ariz. They have won them by three, four and six points.
Their Super Bowl point differential is minus-31, thanks to the Packers and Bears. That was before Bill Belichick, when football time began in New England.
Pittsburgh has won six Super Bowls but no individual coach or quarterback has even won five. And the Patriots are doing this on a flat NFL landscape. Of the NFL’s 12 playoff teams this year, eight were not playoff teams last year. If you’re tired of the Patriots, get some rest.
Maybe other teams hate the Patriots so much that their heads explode at the worst possible time. Maybe the Seahawks were Yosemite Sam and the Falcons were Sylvester.
Now Philadelphia rolls into this Super Bowl with a backup quarterback, as the Patriots did in Tom Brady’s first one.
As always, there’s the game and then there’s the week. To keep your head intact, here’s what might happen:
TUESDAY
The Patriots’ plane to Minneapolis lands 50 minutes late. Jacksonville is penalized for delay of game.
Sportswriters complain about the 15-degree temperatures as they walk through heated skyways, board heated buses and enter their heated rooms.
An Eden Prairie 12-year-old kicks a snowman’s head over a rosebush and is immediately signed by the Chargers.
The NFL says that foam middle fingers will not be allowed into US Bank Stadium but insists it is not targeting Eagles’ fans.
The line: New England by 5 1/2.
WEDNESDAY
“I thought we did a good job grooming him for that moment,’ said ex-Rams coach Jeff Fisher, referring to Nick Foles’ 26-for-33 performance in the NFC Championship game.
Eagles’ fans sell out Guthrie Theatre for a performance of “The Skin Of Our Teeth,” by Thornton Wilder. “I thought the lighting was a little too muted but the staging was very innovative,” said Liam O’Brien, an office manager from Conshohocken, Pennsylvania.
In order to pacify the White House, the NFL Network changes the name of its prominent commentator to Deion Huckabee Sanders.
Jacksonville fans allege that the pencil behind the ear of Patriots’ defensive coordinator Matt Patricia actually is a modem that radiates malware through his beard..
The line: New England by 5.
THURSDAY
The suburb of Eagan, Minnesota officially changes its name to “Iggan” to make Philly fans feel welcome.
Suspicions are raised when the game officials hold a pre-game meeting and refer to the coaches as “Bill” and “whoever that guy in green is.”
UCLA coach Chip Kelly says he still identifies with the Eagles team he sabotaged in 2015.
The NFL announces a switch in scheduling and moves Super Bowl LV to Las Vegas.
The line: New England by 5 ½.
FRIDAY
Commissioner Roger Goodell’s press conference is ruled incomplete when replay shows the microphone moved in his hand.
At a symposium on player safety, Minnesota’s Stefon Diggs reflects on the “air tackle” technique by the Saints’ Marcus Williams and how it prolonged his career.
Eagles fans flood Orchestra Hall to watch the Minnesota Orchestra perform Pyotr Tchaikovsky’s “Symphony No. 4 in F Minor.” “The cymbal was just a little bit late at the end of the first movement,” said Tony Rossi, an auto parts dealer from Kensington. “Otherwise it was very powerful and moving.”
A copy of the Eagles’ protection schemes is mysteriously posted by Wikileaks.
The line: New England by 6.
SATURDAY
Tom Brady is livid when his wife Giselle needs someone to go fetch moisturizer and Jimmy Garrapolo doesn’t respond to repeated texts.
Noting that no NFL team has played a Super Bowl in its home stadium, the owners unanimously vote to move the next one to Foxboro.
Randy Moss and Terrell Owens are elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame and promise to wear all ten of their NFL uniforms at the induction.
Matt Ryan and the Atlanta Falcons win the NFL’s “Most Valuable Performer” honor for making a 25-point second-half lead disappear.
The line: New England by 7.
SUNDAY
The officials make reservations for a noon lunch at J. D. Hoyt’s, the unparalleled chop house in downtown Minneapolis. Fox’s Mike Pereira says they should have eaten at 7.
The coin flip is interrupted when someone notices Belichick’s face is on both sides of the coin.
Justin Timberlake, 36, officially lowers the average age of Super Bowl halftime performers to 63.
Rob Gronkowski, once he correctly identifies that a Patriots’ doctor is holding up one hand, is cleared to play.
After Foles throws the game-winning touchdown pass to Zach Ertz, Belichick’s only comment is, “We’re on to the combine.”
Final: Philadelphia 31, New England 27.
