It’s the most definitive and scientific porg ranking in the galaxy, carefully analyzing whether each and every porg is cute — or not that cute
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The breakout stars of “Star Wars: The Last Jedi” are undoubtedly the weird bird-cats known as porgs. The little guys have divided “Star Wars” fans, with many struggling to decide if they love them more than Ewoks, or hate them.. more than Ewoks. We’ve ranked every porg that appears in “The Last Jedi” to scientifically determine whether each one is impossibly cute, or just dumb.
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27. Windshield porg
This porg needs to tone down the Gilligan’s Island slapstick antics. We get it, you’re cute, stop trying to be the center of attention.
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24-26. Falcon infestation porgs
One can’t help wonder where these porgs are doing their business while aboard the Falcon, or what the smell is like. Also porg babies are extremely not cute. It seems like they don’t even have eyes? Ew.
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23. Eating something that’s probably necessary to support life in space porg
It seemed like a great idea to let a bunch of porgs on the ship. Nobody bothered to find out what they eat, though. And it’s starting to seem like they eat spaceships.
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20-22. Nuclear family porgs
Assuming porgs don’t eat their own babies, this is pretty cute — but they sure do look weird from this angle.
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19. Needs piloting lessons porg
This porg might make a good dashboard ornament, but it repeatedly failed to lock in the auxiliary power, and we need smart porgs in the Rebellion — er, Resistance.
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18. Getting porg poop in R2-D2’s circuits porg
This is just disrespectful. R2’s going to need a cleaning.
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17. Cliff porg
Like the Sirens of ancient Greek mythology, these adorables lure sailors to dash their ships against cliffs with the promise of hugs.
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15-16. Unpublished romantic poetry porgs
Of cloudless climes and starry skies/ And all that’s best of dark and bright/ Meet in her aspect and her eyes/ Thus Porg light
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14. Doesn’t know the lyrics to the National Anthem porg
But it’s OK, it’s too cute to reach those high notes anyway.
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13. Zapruder Porg
You’ll need to rewind and watch this in slo-mo again and again to determine just how cute this porg allegedly is.
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9-12. Porgtifa
It might seem like the crowd of porg counter-protesters is bigger than pro-Chewie porg turnout, but we assure you, Chewie had the biggest porg crowd when you take into account all the illegal alien porgs he ate earlier.
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8. Space pirate parrot porg
Finally, Chewie has a sidekick of his own.
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6-7. Porg looking down the barrel of a lightsaber
This is known as the Luke Skywalker of porgs. We also have a porg who almost accidentally killed his best friend, which is both cute and hilarious!
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4-5. Delicious porgs
Chewbacca is a pretty damn good cook. And porgs are even cute in the form of dinner.
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3. Geordi LaPorg
Disrupting Chewie’s life is funny and all, but this visor-wearing porg seems to have a secret agenda. That visor sure looks like the one LeVar Burton wore as Geordi LaForge in “Star Trek: The Next Generation.” This subversive porg seems to be trying to send a message to “Star Wars” nerds: “‘Star Trek is better.'”
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2. Battle porg
Porgs might be tiny and worthless with super-small arms, but at least they’re useful as morale-boosters or loud distractions.
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1. Available at your favorite retailer porg
Genetically (or mechanically) engineered to prey on “the feels,” this porg reaches peak cuteness as it tries to pull on Chewbacca’s heartstrings. It’s also engineered to sell porg merchandise. Apparently, it works on both counts.
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