Sonic the Hedgehog is here to eat you and everyone you love, simply because he can
Oh, sorry, we’re not there yet. Let me back up.
In the year 1886, Friedrich Nietzsche said, “When you gaze long into the abyss, the abyss gazes also into you.”
Fast forward 144 years, and I fear I may have discovered exactly what he meant.
On Tuesday, the folks (read: monsters) over at Paramount Pictures (read: the seventh circle of hell) released a new trailer for a movie adaptation of „Sonic: The Hedgehog“ today, because movies about video games are always a good idea.
It’s been like six hours since the internet was poisoned by this monstrosity. And in that four or five hours, I have watched it… I don’t know… probably 200 times.
At this point, I am sure of two things:
1. This is the best horror movie trailer I’ve ever seen
2. I will never experience joy again
So, on that note, let’s get into it.
We open on a calm, beautiful meadow. The sheriff’s vehicle says “Green Hills.” Like the Green Hill Zone from the games! I get it! We dissolve to a tight shot on Sheriff James Marsden. You know, from „The Notebook,“ „27 Dresses,“ „Westworld“ and now, my nightmares. His radar gun clocks a “blue blur” (ANOTHER VIDEO GAME JOKE YOU GUYS) running at 760 miles per hour, and finds a blue glowing hair on the side of the road … which he picks up with his bare hands, because what’s the worst that could happen?
This.
