Happy New Year! 2016 was … well, we will not soon forget it. Brexit; Trump; the Grim Reaper’s celebrity killing spree; and, on the upside, a lot of magnificent tech achievements and breakthroughs. But The Jons are not about that. The Jons, an annual award named (in an awe-inspiring fit of humility) after myself, go to tech’s more dubious achievers. And hoo boy were there a lot of those this year.
And so, with no further ado: the second annual Jon Awards For Dubious Technical Achievement!
THE YES THERE IS SUCH A THING AS BAD PUBLICITY AWARD FOR SPONTANEOUS BRAND COMBUSTION
To Samsung, whose Galaxy Note 7 phablet was called out by name before every single flight I took for months, for fear that one would explode and kill us all. You’d think you couldn’t even pay for such publicity. Turns out you can, but it’ll cost you nearly $20 billion.
THE GRINCH WHO STOLE CHRISTMAS AWARD FOR REALITY DISTORTION FIELD DISRUPTION
To that nasty John Carreyrou, who just wouldn’t stop picking on poor victimized Theranos, which, as a direct result, is now basically dead. Doesn’t he know that truth doesn’t matter any more in our post-factual world? They believed their technology worked. Or, I mean, at least they hoped it did. Or would. One day. Shouldn’t that be all that matters? It’s only blood tests, after all.
THE MINISTRY OF PEACE AWARD FOR IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH
To Julian Assange, for his transition from a self-proclaimed “we open governments” anti-authoritarian crusader to the (figure)head of an organization that literally reposts Russian press releases. O Julian, wherefore art thou, Julian?
THE YOU DON’T KNOW JACK AWARD FOR PREMATURE FORCED OBSOLESCENCE
To Apple, of course, for eliminating the headphone jack from the iPhone; killing MagSafe in favor of USB-C on new MacBooks; and then refusing to supply any other ports on those MacBooks, meaning that, remarkably, that if you go to an Apple Store and buy a new iPhone and a new MacBook, you cannot plug the former directly into the latter.
THE DIE DAMN YOU WHY WON’T YOU DIE FREDDY JASON TERMINATOR AWARD FOR PIGHEADEDLY CONTINUING TO EXIST
To Bitcoin, which has been pronounced dead more times than Michael Myers, and yet somehow still keeps lumbering along, slowly, crudely, and seemingly unstoppably .
