Shy? Networking probably feels like a brutal trial by fire. These 17 strategies will help you do it well — and keep your sanity.
Networking is the key to business success. It helps you find jobs, recruit talent, and find customers and investors.
But networking is a trial for shy people — geeks especially — for whom it feels insincere or manipulative. They avoid it, afraid it will lead to rejection. But that undermines their careers and projects.
“Networking isn’ t smarmy, ” says Keith Ferrazzi, author of Never Eat Alone a best-seller on networking for professional success. It’s a buzzword for building sincere relationships based on mutual generosity. Good networks are built on good relationships, and you can’ t build your career or business without those. You need people to help you.
Fortunately, networking is a set of social skills any smart person can learn. Here are 17 networking skills to try right now.
If you are shy, approaching strangers can be scary. So start slow by networking with relatives and friends.
« You can do a significant amount of valuable networking without ever making a cold call, » says Lynne Sarikas, director of Northeastern University’s MBA Career Center. « Start with a known instead of an unknown to demystify the process. This helps a shy person over the hurdle. » After a few successful conversations, you’ ll feel more confident.
Once you acquire a smidge of courage, expand to people who graduated from your alma mater. Your alumni network is a gold mine of connections. That’s why it exists. Contacting an alum out of the blue shouldn’t feel like a cold call. After all, they joined this network to make — and take — calls just like this.
Introverts and inexperienced networkers tend to apologize when asking for help because they believe networking is an imposition rather than an exercise in relationship building.
« They feel like they’re asking for a favor, ” says Sarikas. “They don’t think they’re worth someone else’s time so they apologize for asking for it. »
Apologizing makes you look like a novice. Stop it. It showcases a lack of professionalism and confidence. You don’t have to apologize for asking for help. You don’t have to apologize for wanting to learn more about the person you are talking to. The expectation with networking is that one day you will be in a position to return the favor you are asking for now. Believe in yourself.
Smile! « This is such a simple, basic rule, yet people just don’t think about it, » says Peter Handal, the chairman, CEO, and president of Dale Carnegie & Associates. (Dale Carnegie literally wrote the book on networking in 1936 with How to Win Friends and Influence People .) Don’ t get so focused on how much you hate networking that you walk around a conference or party with a grimace on your face. Scowling — any serious facial expression — is forbidding. People are much more likely to warm to a person who says good morning with a broad smile than to a grump who frowns a hello. You don’ t have to walk around looking like a manic clown — just lighten up your expression and smile when you say hello.
Walking up to a group already engaged in a lively conversation and joining in can be intimidating. Even if you are drawn to the discussion, joining it requires some art. Don’ t push your way in and blurt out an opinion. That can make a bad first impression and kill the flow of conversation. The best way to ease your way in without causing waves is to smile and listen for a few moments to get the gist of the conversation.
“Then, when there is an opening, pose a question to the group, ” says Handal. « You build your credibility by asking a question.” Bonus: For a shy person, asking a question may be much easier than launching into a speech or sharing an opinion.
One of the most profound points Carnegie made in How to Win Friends was that everyone loves to talk about themselves. For a shy person, more than for an extrovert, this is networking gold. Many people don’ t listen when others talk: They might be quiet, but they are just waiting for a chance to talk again. If you are shy, listening is easier than talking. So become a good listener. Don’ t ignore the conversation. Don’ t wait in dread for the moment when you will have to talk. Listen. If you let people discuss their experiences and opinions — and listen with sincere interest — they will remember that they had a great conversation with you. And you didn’ t have to say much at all.
“Always have business cards handy, ” says Handal. « They’re an effective way for you to leave your name behind so people remember who you are. » This is especially true if you are shy. If networking doesn’ t come naturally to you, don’ t squander any of the contacts you make. If you came out of your shell and made a successful connection, however brief, don’ t let it go to waste. You need to take advantage of every opportunity. Don’ t wait for your new friend to ask for your card. They might not think of it. Just offer one and let them know it’s okay to reach out. Very likely, they will offer their card in return. And now you have made a solid, repeatable connection.
« People like to hear their own name, » says Handal, pointing to another one of Carnegie’s basic principles: that a person’s name is a sweet sound to him or her. So, when you meet new people, use their name immediately in conversation. It will make them feel more comfortable. It shows you are paying attention, and it makes the group seem like a group of friends rather than a faceless mass. If using this strategy feels manipulative, stop and pay attention to how it feels when someone says your name in a similar situation. It isn’ t sneaky. It’s kind. It also helps you to remember that person’s name — at this event and in the future — so it’s also a smart social skill.
Many introverted professionals think they have to pretend to be an extrovert for networking situations. That’s not true. Sure, you do have to make more effort than it takes to stay at home and read. But you don’ t have to turn into a ham actor.
« You don’t have to become the schmoozer, » says Never Eat Alone ‘s Ferrazzi. The problem with schmoozers is that they don’ t have the right intent: They aren’ t interested in helping other people — only themselves.
If you are shy and smart, run with that. « Be the authentic, aw-shucks, humble, shy person you are. It can be endearing. Don’t try to be something you’re not, » says Ferrazzi.
In other words, it’s OK if you’re a little awkward. Just don’t apologize for it.
Networking doesn’ t only happen at work. Anything that gets you out of the house can be networking. Instead of chatting online, join a club. If you’re a gamer, go to a gaming event. Voracious reader? Join a book club.
« Just because you’re a technology professional doesn’t mean you should only network at technology conferences, » says Northeastern University’s Sarikas. « The person in front of you at a football game might work at a company you want to get into. You could sit behind them the whole season and never know that if you don’ t start a conversation. »
The advantage of mixing networking with fun is that the conversation is easy. While you’re playing board games, ask the person next to you about her work. Why not?
Your interests can serve you well at work events, too. If you find yourself in a room full of strangers at a technology conference or party, go straight to what interests you. « When you talk about things you’re passionate about, you will light up and appear more engaging, » Ferrazzi says. « You don’t have to find a shared interest. You just have to share your own interests. » People already know what they do in their spare time. But often people are looking for new activities or are simply interested in things other than work. If you do something interesting outside of work, bring it up. It will make you easy to remember — you are the woman who scuba dives, or maybe you are the guy who knits.
