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« I tried to teach him everything I know about winning elections. He is too old and incompetent to get it right. » Such were the sad words of Russian President Vladimir Putin on hearing that President Biden’s attempt to keep Donald Trump off the ballot in Illinois had failed. « It is pathetic. Maine and Colorado? Are maple syrup and pot all he has? Codfish and snowboarders? Can’t the United States run an efficient election? »
The evenly divided Illinois State Board of Elections ruled unanimously that the constitutional claim that Trump violated the 14th Amendment had no standing. They also expressed fear that every candidate for dog catcher could end up with a constitutional challenge if their opponent believed they had violated the Delicatessen Act of 1967. If someone is suspected of giving cold-cut slices to the dogs they were trying to catch and didn’t read them their Miranda rights, the Board’s calendar would be swamped.
As usual, a Republican on the board expressed misgivings. After consulting the Psychic Hotline, she said, “There’s no doubt in my mind” that President Trump committed “insurrection.
