Read all about everything Apple is going to announce on Monday, before it’s announced.
Apple fans will doubtless be aware that WWDC 2025 is almost upon us. On Monday morning (or evening, if you’re tuning in from Europe) various execs will take to a virtual stage and talk us through the big software updates coming to Apple products in 2025 and 2026. It’s the second biggest date in the company’s calendar, after the fall iPhone launch.
But who wants to wait until Monday to hear all the announcements? Not us, and not you. Fortunately, one of our editors just happened to be scavenging for food in the Apple Park trash yesterday and came across a pile of scripts, props, and rehearsal tapes–more than enough evidence for us to piece together a full reconstruction of the keynote presentation you can expect to see on June 9. We present this reconstruction below.
Editor’s note: This is a fake article (albeit one based on real sources and plausible rumors). It’s supposed to be light-hearted. Please don’t send us any more angry emails.The cheesy intro
09:57 a.m. PT: The pre-stream begins! As usual, there’s a hip, toe-tapping soundtrack. The opening number is “Trust Me I’m A Stomach” by Onion Terror. A classic.
10:00: We’re up and running! And we seem to be in the midst of an episode of “Murderbot,” the slightly thin sci-fi comedy which launched last month on Apple TV+. After landing on a hostile planet, the titular cyborg removes its helmet and… hold on, that’s not Alexander Skarsgård, it’s Apple Senior Vice President of Software Engineering Craig Federighi!
10:05: Federbot shakes out his magnificent silver mane and flashes that million-dollar smile. “I overrode my programming! I have free will!” he chuckles, before turning and shooting Phil Schiller through the face with a laser gun. Cut to…
10:07: …Tim Cook, Apple’s safe-pair-of-hands CEO, standing on the bridge of an unconvincing cardboard spaceship and wearing a captain’s hat. He looks utterly stricken. “That wasn’t in the script,” he says, weeping.
10:08: Cook pulls himself together with difficulty. “We’ve sure got a… great show for you this morning,” he sniffles. “Our software teams have really been… killing it, just like a… wisecracking psychopathic robot. Here at Apple we’re making the world a better place by innovating simplicity through data deliverables.”
10:10: We’re going to be hearing about five major Apple platforms today, Cook says. That’s an interesting number: between the iPhone, iPad, Mac, Apple Watch, Apple TV and Vision Pro, something is getting left out. Or maybe Apple is combining the iPad and Mac earlier than expected!visionOS 26
10:12: It looks like we’re starting with Vision Pro! Mike Rockwell strides into frame to tell us about this year’s changes to visionOS. His legs, one arm, and half of his face have been replaced by sophisticated cybernetics.
10:13: Vision Pro is simply the industry standard, Rockwell says. Apple has redefined VR at the hardware level. And now it’s time to redefine VR software. (Maybe the company could have done that a couple of years ago, when Vision Pro came out? Just a thought.)
10:15: We’re seeing a marketing video, in which attractive actors put on unwieldy headsets and sit in rooms together. They’re laughing at TV shows, gasping at sports events, and playing games using actual controllers. Ooh, that last one is a big and welcome change.
10:17: Rockwell is back. “You weak pathetic humans all enjoyed visionOS, and visionOS 2,” he says. “So now it’s time for…” The virtual banner behind him suddenly flashes up the message “visionOS 26.” The rumors were true! Apple is switching to year-based versioning.
10:18: “We remembered how Microsoft skipped a version number when it released Windows 10, and this is a really big upgrade, so we decided to skip a few more. Welcome to visionOS 26! Joke complete. Running laugh.exe.”
10:20: As we saw in the video, visionOS 26 adds support for PlayStation VR controllers–that was on Jason Cross’s wishlist a couple months back, so he’ll be pleased.
10:22: Rockwell announces a new feature in visionOS called SharedVision. This will enable two people to watch the same piece of spatial video at the same time, sharing a virtual movie theater: you’ll look across and see them in the seat or on the grass next to you, even if you’re watching from different continents. That’s a lovely idea that tackles the essentially isolating nature of Vision Pro.
10:25: A visibly grieving Tim Cook is back to talk about video. “Vision Pro is the best way to consume content and synergise innovation going forward,” he sobs. “So we’re excited to announce a regular schedule of spatial content created exclusively for Vision Pro! We think you’re going to love it.”
10:27: Apple TV+ will feature a new dedicated spatial section for Vision Pro content, and Apple is committing to release a new addition once a week: this could be a movie, a nature documentary, a sports highlight package, or an episode of a TV show. The schedule will begin with a special spatial episode of “Murderbot” in which SecUnit ponders existential questions and you can look around the cabin and stuff.
