The following is satirical.
The following is satirical.
Senator Elizabeth Warren has released a DNA test proving that she is just about as white as it is possible for a girl to be without actually becoming invisible. Warren took the test after being taunted by President Trump for falsely claiming she was part Cherokee.
Now, don’t misunderstand me. There is nothing at all wrong with being a white woman. Many of the Rockettes are white women and, of course, Gwyneth Paltrow is very attractive as well.
But the problem for Warren — or to use her native name, Dances with Horse Manure — is that she listed herself as Native American on federal forms when she taught law school. And she repeatedly told the story of how her parents had to elope because of anti-Indian prejudice.
But that story now seems to confirm Warren’s native name, Lies Like a Dog. Because according to even the suspect analysis of a Stanford University professor she happens to know, Warren has got so little Indian blood in her it may just be because one of her ancestors got some on his shirt when he was killing one of them. In any case, Senator Warren — whose native name is Woman Who Would Cheat to Be President — has less Indian DNA than most white Americans, and far less than what’s required to claim membership in anything but the Malarkey Tribe.
The news media was quick to back Warren’s blatant lies, running such headlines as the Boston Globe headline, «Warren Lied About Her Ancestry, Now We Will Too,» the USA Today Headline, «We Hate Donald Trump So We’ll Pretend to Believe Warren,» and of course the New York Times Headline, «Trump Slaughters Entire Indian Village in Our Imagination.»
Warren herself — speaking under her native name Walks Like a White Girl — told reporters, «I will fight no more forever. I go to join the Great Spirit in the Happy Hunting Ground. Trump give heap big wampum or speak with forked tongue. How! Kemosabe.»
Sounds authentic to me.
